Time to go Home

gapingvoid.com

Not only the skies have clouded over with grey. As the faces grow long and the eyes red I bury my face in my hands, rubbing my eyes over and over again, hoping it will make time pass faster. But as I look up I see that it isn’t over and that it is still too early to go home. Furiously I search my computer for a distraction. All the work I have to do, I’ve done. All the extra-work I could do, I’ve done. All the things I normally have no time for, I’ve done. All the things I don’t like doing, I’ve done. And now? Now I just have to face the music, my boredom and the ticking of the clock until it ends. I begin to wonder what it will feel like on the final day. Will I be overcome with relief? Anxiety? Both? I fix my gaze on the middle of my colleague’s table and I stare myself into a little daydream…

It happens more than often now that I drift off into my own little world whilst staring at my computer screen. I try to block out everything happening around me so that when asked whether I’ve noticed gossip, bad moods or other uncomfortable office chat I can say, “Nope, I was so involved in my work. I didn’t notice, sorry.” I don’t think about much in particular when I zone out. I just try to do it in order to ignore the horrible asylum of a business into which I voluntarily aspired to integrate myself. They are raising their voices now. It’s been like this all day; like chickens fighting over a piece of corn. One of them is in a very bad mood. I haven’t quite caught on to why yet but I get the feeling it’s a general bad mood brought on by life, relationship and a general “I’m in a bad mood cause I wanna be” feeling.

What to do? I could go to the toilet. That always wastes time. I will do that. The nice thing about going to the toilet is that when the air conditioning goes on, I bury my head in my lap, curling into half of a foetal position and everything drones out. Then I close my eyes and just breathe. No more office noises pounding my already weary head, no more yelling, aggravated tones of voices or task-driven workers albeit slavery.

I check the clock again. Time has passed quickly. I spent a few moments watching a “situation”. But time hasn’t passed quickly enough. I’m getting bored. I can’t find anything on the Internet to entertain myself. I’ve read and re-read the latest news, the older news, checked my mails again and again, looked through countless social media friend photos some of which I don’t even know. I am bored.

But anything could happen right now. Any minute my phone could ring and unexpectedly my client requires a million and one things from me. Any second now my boss could charge in and demand I do something for him. Any moment I could PLING! Oh no, I’ve got mail. My heart sinks. Do I look at it now? Do I ignore it? Do I muster up enough courage to stand above it and say “It’s fine, whatever it is. I can do it.” And so I do: I brave clicking on the evil eagle that unfolds its nasty wings over me day after day. Thank goodness, I breathe a sigh of relief. It’s sorted in minutes. I reply in full-flowing literature (because I have too much time on my hands) and finish it off with a Please do not hesitate to call, which I quickly regret. I get a reply with “Thanks. Will be in touch later.” I panic. Should I tell my client now already that I am leaving at six o’clock on the dot without looking back? Or should I play it cool. I decide to stay calm. I will keep my feet still until five-thirty and only then will I let the client know that I am off. Relieved I sink into my chair. Please don’t make me stay longer…

I’ve done it. I’ve written an e-mail to my client saying I will only be in until 18:00 but would LOVE to talk to him before then or check my mails in the evening. I’ve become tougher. It wasn’t always this way. I used to cave and sit and wait for that meaningless call; but not anymore. I feel relieved (as well as exhausted and yearning for a hot bath, chick flick and crisps). Not long now. The countdown has begun. I begin tidying my desk. Why not? I have nothing else to do. I’m not the only one who’s bored. My boss is flicking through a glossy magazine, tutting at too skinny minnies, shaking her head at outrageous outfits. I giggle to myself. She might actually sit here till this evening yet again although she has nothing to do. I’m not stupid anymore though: why be here when I can be home?

Not long now. I have pre-written mails that I will send a few minutes before I leave so that they can’t reach me after. The cleaning crew has moved in and are clearing all tables, shutting down the coffee machines and generally giving us the feeling we should get the heck out. Half an hour to go: what to do with myself?

Almost done: I’m like a dog waiting in front of the supermarket for his owner. Any minute now: nothing can go wrong. My client is informed. If he rings at 18:00 I will be curt but kind. The exhaustion is too great for me to go any longer. Home.

I’ve done it. I’ve charmingly chatted to my client and listened to all he wanted to say and get off his chest. It was a short but great conversation, I re-confirmed how we are ever so hard working and moving forward and of course we don’t need a week longer. My client is happy. And just as we are finishing the conversation he says “It’s 17:59 Miss: I won’t keep you any longer.” And I smile, and I’m even happier than before that I’ve been let off, I can go, I needn’t have a bad conscience. So I bounce out of the agency, happy to see the end of it for today. Tomorrow will come soon enough. But for now I am going home.